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Daily thought/discussion post for 09/14/16

Beneath The Surface

Some will object to many of the questions that should be answered in a moral inventory, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring. To these, it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with.

Because our surface record hasn't looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these selfsame defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Those were the defects that finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.

As Bill Sees It - 258 - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions - p53+54 (AA)

Peace Of Mind

Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and guidance — meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may?

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions - p86+97 - from Daily Reflections (AA)
Commentary Here

Secrets Are Reservations

Eventually we are shown that we must get honest, or we will use again.

Commentary: Everyone has secrets, right? Some of us have little secrets, items that would only cause minor embarrassment if found out. Some of us have big secrets, whole areas of our lives cloaked in thick, murky darkness. Big secrets may represent a more obvious, immediate danger to our recovery. But the little secrets do their own kind of damage, the more insidious perhaps because we think they're "harmless."

Big or little, our secrets represent spiritual territory we are unwilling to surrender to the principles of recovery. The longer we reserve pieces of our lives to be ruled by self-will and the more vigorously we defend our "right" to hold onto them, the more damage we do. Gradually, the unsurrendered territories of our lives tend to expand, taking more and more ground.

Whether the secrets in our lives are big or little, sooner or later they bring us to the same place. W must chose - either we surrender everything to our program, or we will lose our recovery.

Just For Today: I want the kind of recover that comes from total surrender to the program. Today, I will talk with my [sponsor] and disclose my secrets, big or small.

Just For Today - September 14th (NA)

Who Is A Member Of Alcoholics Anonymous?

The way our ‘worthy’ alcoholics have sometimes tried to judge the ‘less worthy’ is, as we look back on it, rather comical. Imagine, if you can, one alcoholic judging another!

Grapevine - AA Co-Founder, Bill W., August 1946 (AA)

Atma's Thoughts

I only will speak of #4 directly today. Maybe a bit of #3 but today is mostly going to be reserved for some heavy, hard news I have to process and be the bigger man on, being the only one close to being a man in this situation by role or genetics or hormones now. It's shitty to lay such jobs to such roles, but as society is, so I must roll with it for now and be that one, the soldier, the samurai, the one used to death and killing, can yet still be angered by the finality of all things.

My next door neighbor is going to die soon. She has a year at best with chemo, half that at most without, and chances are without she might not see Christmas or 2017. She may not see my birthday in less than a month. I turn 30 then. She won't reach her 70s. She, like me, is an alcoholic, of immense caliber of decades of daily and at work drinking to function, with withdrawal lasting several years where she couldn't eat without puking first she had damaged herself so. She got to AA and NA, the very doors that saved me, and was saved for 14 years but slipped back to wine and beer in her depression. Ultimately, that depression, and now a liver and pancreas riddled from abuse and cancer and now exhausted, are going to do her in. Alcoholism and alcohol did her in. All she can do lately is sleep. The roommate she's with probably won't live here long if she does go, and her last remaining son has already come up here to finalize stuff.

This means soon I should go over and talk to her. She, lately, has told me she sees a hope in me, a recovery she couldn't have and that my birth mom refuses, but one my transmom got ahold of and is passing down to me. She is proud of me and has grown hateful of my birth mom, they were once close best friends, but now she only loves her as a friend but "hates the addict she has become." There is nothing left for her in this life, this existence. Her, and my birth mom, and I have all done this to ourselves, but no matter what she does, no matter how much she teasingly calls me the juvenile delinquent now, she trusts me more than she trusts those in denial. At least I admit I have problems like she does; my birth mom won't.

We may not have always been close but she's always watched over this house and my cats and such for easily over half my own life now. I need to thank her, before it's too late, and promise her that if nothing else, I can look after me and stay sober. It's the least I can do is let her pass knowing that the next generation will be okay and should anyone else need it, I can help them.

Alcoholism is all our disease, and she deserved better, and she never asked for this as did I. I will have something, someone to talk about at meetings now, an example of the worst of this, but at what cost?

It won't be the last time I'll see someone else in the recovery I had still ultimately lose to this, but it can prepare me for others to come. In the end, she still loses to alcohol, and it's not fair.

I can only hope, for her sake and mine, that someday, someone can figure out how rid us of this permanently and without that solution being death.


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